Where is your God?

So I heard a song today. Come to find out the song is called "Hurricane" and it's by 30 seconds to Mars. The song is kinda slow, but has a good backbeat to it, and has some interesting rhythms mixed in. No suprise the song features Kanye West.
But a line caught my ear from the song. "Where is your God". This line repeated 3 times in a row. As it came out of the speakers I quickly replied with everywhere, in me, He is an awesome God. But then as it repeated it kept asking where is He. I had to think of whether or not He really was there.
What have I done today to allow God inside of me. I prayed before a meal (I think breakfast, or maybe it was lunch. Did I pray? I can't really remember). I read my Bible today (well I skimmed through the passages assigned for homework before my Old Testament class).
Where is my God. I am a fairly outspoken person about how amazing God is in my life. He has helped me get through so many things, and I love Him (or atleast say I do).
Where is my God. Where is He in my daily life. I say I rely on Him, but where does that show. I have schedules that organize my time for me. I have money that gets me the material possesions I need. I am even getting a degree that is going to get me the job I want. Luckily I'm not in a relationship, cause He would be at the "center" of that too, if He fit.
So as I realize this, I don't adjust my schedule, but I adjust my mindset (I hope and pray) that God will be a priority. Not a priority in my schedule, but a constant relationship. So if I hear the words "Where is your God", then I can with all my heart and without a second thought say He is in me.

Question for ya, better answer now

So I'm preaching at my church this next weekend. Kind of excited, kind of nervous. It's my second time preaching there. I like and have a heart for my home church, but I feel disconnected. I feel I missed something when I went off to my first college. I came back and it was different for me for some reason. I don't feel like I think I should when I get up on Sunday mornings. But I hope this next week will make that a little better.
My sermon is gonna be about the importance of seeking God. It's kind of a complicated sermon, because God is complicated. But so incredibly amazing, if you know Him at all you just want to learn and grow closer to Him. (Hebrews 5, Matthew 22, Romans 12)
But the thing that has been on my mind is, why am I preaching. I am excited to tell people about my trip. I'm excited that my friend Tristan, who has put together a traveling praise band, is gonna lead worship. And I'm excited that a lot of my friends from Huntington are coming to watch. But the problem is that my friends are coming to my church to see me, or my friend. Is this ok? Or is there something wrong with saying, hey I'm preaching at my church you should come listen? Most of my friends do go to churches here in town, so I'm taking them away from their congregations for a week, but there are some people who will hopefully come who don't regularly go to a church. But then the problem is my church is putting on a front. I'm not our normal preacher, and Tristan isn't the normal praise band leader. Are we lying to people by inviting them this Sunday?
I don't know, this is just been running in my head the last couple weeks. I don't want it to be about me, I want it to be about God.

My last group left :( (and I cried... a little)

So today the last group of the summer left. I did lose if for a few seconds, then started cleaning off some tables after breakfast. I don't really have any crazy epiphanies or anything. But I just love how this summer God has shown me to rely on Him. I was planning on having some trouble this summer, the kind of trouble you get in when in inner city Atlanta and being a tall goofy white guy. But other than some brass knuckles, and some rough high school kids, and a turned down drug deal, it was a safe summer. Praise God.
But I did lose a lot of my heart this summer. I bought a key chain today with the Atlanta sky line on it so I can continually be reminded of the people who filled and took my heart. The people from this community, and the several amazing teams that have come down, over, or up that came to help. I love you all so much.
I gave a small piece of my testimony the other day. It was amazing. I actually put in order the events of my life, and how they revolved around my college choices, jobs, girls, and mainly the realness of my relationship with God. I tried to let the kids know that every experience I have had in my life, I can see God using it in the work I am doing now. Almost like my entire life has been a build up to this point, and He gave me the strenght to get through it. I hope that this will be a piece of the puzzle for some amazing thing God will use me for in the future. I love it when I get out of the way and let God work.
I am hoping that my next big thing will be a trip to Haiti. I'm talking with Experience Mission (the company I work for) about helping with some trips to Haiti over Christmas break. A lot has to go right for this to work, but it is looking like its already starting too. My contact and friend from Atlanta is trying to get together a trip for his teens, but needs some more people. So consider this an invite if you'd be willing, just let me know somehow, and I'll get you information.
Well that's it for now. I'm just cleaning up around the house, and waiting for my mom and sister to come get me. I'll be back in Indiana on Monday, so feel free to call or something. I'm 2 days late to already have plans. So my schedule is open :)

Short paragraphs :)

So God threw me a few curve balls this week. I just got in a rhythm of team after team coming and going. But then Michigan and Virginia happened. Two great teams, very different but very ready to be used by God, and I loved it. So there went the keeping myself for a week. But this week I have a week off, so take a rest heart you need it. Especially the first 3 things I saw on facebook were 2 friends now in relationships, and then an awesome couple got married, and I'm still in Atlanta.
While I'm on the heartbreak issue. My heart broke for my home church this last week. Not completely sure of all that is going on, but my minister and friend might not be there when I return home in a few weeks. I love him very much, and have enjoyed the time of ministry and learning from him. I pray that God is leading my church through this struggle, and wish more than any of the other reasons I could be home.
My parents are visiting, and it was fun to see them at church this morning. This church loves every person who walks through the doors. You can not escape being hugged by atleast 30 people. And just seeing them interact made my heart feel better. Realizing what God has used me for this summer, and building the relationships I have with the folks here. I'm gonna miss them very much. But got 2 weeks left before I need to say goodbye, so I won't worry about that till later.
Post-Offices are closed on Saturday. Just letting you know in case you have 5 packages to mail, and show up on a Saturday.
I need to start my travel plans for before school starts. So if you want to claim some time between August 9th and Aug 30th let me know so I can put it on my schedule. Literally, first come basis :).
One last thing as I work to make my paragraphs smaller. I just made the last payment on my car. So my 2003 Hyundai Elantra GT is completely mine :)

Howdy

Sorry for those who know what I mean by when I say howdy, but you'll just have to ask about that.
So this week is looking interesting. But first a recap of the stuff from last week. I've really come to grasp with the idea that these groups that come and go are my friends. It's only a week so it's not deep friendships, but still I will defend them, and love them as much as I can.
I had an incident at my park, but can't talk about it, for protection of a minor, but it's pretty crazy. I want to talk about it, but anyone who has worked with youth can understand that it's not a good idea to post something like that on your blog.
I liked seeing the kids last week grow. There were a few that I kinda latched onto, and made help more than others. Almost to the point of being unfair, but also to the point of growing them in a servant role. Some kids flourished and really grew, and other complained about all the extra work. Thanks for those of you who helped out more. I am sad I haven't kept up with some of the kids that I have left more. It's just been so busy, I haven't even kept up with some friends form back home. I love the kids, but miss my friends. it's a hard thing to do when you only get a little time on the internet, or with my phone. Skyping is always the recommended form of communication, or a phone call.
But this week is different. The kids with me at the park are really organized and great. I literally just watched them work as if I were a kid myself. THe walking is fun too. The people on the roads are recognizing me more now, and they stop and chat with me while I walk to get the kids. I love my job. But we taught the kids this week the blowdart game, and they love it. I'm having fun, and really enjoying getting to know them better. Looking forward to work the next day is a hug blessing God has granted me with this summer.
I look forward to my parents coming next weekend, I long to see a familiar face. So if anybody wants to come visit, I have a spare bedroom, and all the food you would want. I even have a week off starting Friday through the next Sunday...

Different pace

For those of you who my dad has talked into reading my blog, this probably isn't one he meant. The kids are great, I talked with a pimp, met an amazing 88 year old lady while feeding the homeless, and I'm starting to love the church here more and more but realizing my time is coming to an end soon.
This blog is a tug of war. But with some Bible lingo. My dilemma is that at times in life I feel like Job. Where I am being treated badly to test my faith, and see how God wants me to live, and then learn from that and move on. Or am I the Israelites in Jeremiah, where it is because of How the Isrealites were turning away from God and seeking after their own dreams and not putting God first. It's just a small thought for the day, and not sure how much I can look into things. I have just been going through some hindrances lately, and not sure whether to look for God in them, or to try and find the reasons that things are going bad, and where I am falling away from God.

How Great is Our God

This week was different. With the holiday the group was only here 3 days. But we still got the Six Flags invite :) The group had a married couple help be the leaders. Early in the week they showed they had a heart for others, and continued with it throughout the week. She made my park ministry a breeze, and the group helped me take some giant steps towards building relationships with those kids. I did find out one of the young boys moved out of the area. He was a great kid, but had some “hood” problems. He was always trying to fight for any reason, but when I was able to calm him down, he was very intelligent, and even was apologetic for loosing his cool. But I have a group of kids that are a handful, but I feel God is giving me the guidance, strength, and mission teams to be able to reach. I’m looking forward to next week.
The group brought grapes and apples for the snack on Thursday. The kids loved it, which is a ton different then kids back in Huntington.
I have been challenged to get outside my comfort zone. The women of the married couple was staying up late on Thursday night and talking with 2 other ladies outside the church. They were discussing the prostitute house across the street (which is the one 3 doors down from my house). I was nervous just being outside, but she had such a heart for the people that she even struck up a conversation with the pimp of the house Friday morning during breakfast. To me that was crazy. Another side story is from Shaun. Shaun and I are similar but different. During a trip to some low income areas to give out hotdogs and chips, Shaun asked me if I wanted to head over to the shady house with him. I knew which one he was talking about. 3 guys, and 2 girls were outside of a house across the street. They all looked suspicious, and after being with one of the kids last week and him being offered weed, I wasn’t that excited to branch out. But I went in with him. WE just walked up and humbly invited them over for a hotdog. While we were there another guy walked out from around back and kinda scared me. The reason I say these stories is these 2 people a challenging me. They are both great people, but I see in them something I envy. The ability to put my paranoia about my own safety aside, and do the work that God would have me do.
A new boy showed up at my park this week, and the teams intern and him got into a discussion fairly quick. The boy seemed to have some scar markings on his arm, and be a little mentally handicapped. One of my SA contacts was there and we walked the boy home, just to see what his home life is, and meet someone, and talk to them about kids club, and inform them about the salvation army. I am hopping this leads to another kid that God will allow me the privilege of ministering to on his behalf.
The group this week was great. They have a heart for the hurting. I had to tell them several times, and I need to let the previous groups know, that I cannot pick a favorite, or say one group was better than the others. Just God is using them all differently, and they are all amazing youth, and amazing leaders that will hopefully continue working for and searching after God.
But again it was hard to say goodbye. I’m trying to let a few things go a little more, in order to hurt less. Not sure how my heart can take it. Love God with all my heart, mind, and strength. Then love others as myself.

Best at my job, best job, safety, crying...

I've been a little busy. So here are some tidbits from my mind I wrote down during this last week (in no particular order).
Give it you best but leave some for tomorrow. This has to do with my job that seems 24 hours a day. I'm with amazing high school kids that are on a mission trip, and growing from it. But if I spend all 24 hours a day every day will I get burned out? I hope not. I'm hoping God gives me the strength to get through it, and the knowledge of when to take a break. There is a girls basketball team that comes in to practice at 5 am each day. I heard the coach telling them to give 110%. But does that mean at a game after the 4th quarter should they keep playing? Side joke to the side now, I am hoping I can do what I am doing as though I am working for the Lord. But day in and day out might be a struggle, but for now I am gonna stick to the plan. I was even really glad when at like midnight me and 2 guys got to have a pretty in depth conversation about some theological things. It was pretty awesome to see God at least on these boys' minds. And if I wasn't giving it my best then I would have missed this opportunity to share with them, and help them grow deeper in God. Which by the way, please if you do nothing else try and grow closer to God, it is amazing, and if you get the chance to help someone else too DO IT.
Best job ever. Not a great transition, but related though. My main focus at my job is leading the teams through their mission trip. This means they want a good experience, and I try and give it to them. But I also keep close to that the community that we are helping. The goal is not just have them come just to be on e mission trip and feel better, but to actually help in the community, so I get to put the 2 groups together in the best way possible. Then my team and I fit together to organize the team the best we can, and we strive to make all of these puzzle piece work together in a way that glorifies God. But to sum this up; I get to work with great youth, great youth leaders that I can learn from, I get to minister to a community and build awesome relationships, and I get to live with 3 amazing friends that have a desire for this summer to be the best it could ever be.
Safety at park. I know I am working in inner city Atlanta, so this should not be a surprise. But I had a group of high school boys show up when I was trying to lead my kids club. They didn't do much, but they did hit each other and a girl that was with them a few times, and I tried to step in, and talk with them. But it didn't go so well. As I was leaving they were throwing some stuff at me and one of the boys I was walking with. But even the boy wanted to go back and talk and try and be friends with these guys so he could be more like them. It kills me to see some of these kids act like this. One boy was gonna hit another and when I got him calm he started talking and I could see how smart he is, but it takes so little for them to get angry, and the way they express their anger is by hitting or punching or anything of the sort. I'm a long way from the Sparks program back in Huntington...
Incredible cry just let go. This is last, and comes from a talk I had with a lady from the Salvation Army I work with. I am not sure why but I poured a lot of personal stuff out to her. I mentioned how I have been saying goodbye a lot, and part of this job is getting to know amazing kids just in time to say bye. Then we talked about some other things, but she just told me it sounds like I just need a good cry. I kinda agree, but not sure how to go about it. I like being in control, and I'm hoping God allows me to break down and trust Him more, because if I stay like this I will just try and stay in control and not allow Him to lead. But any time I get a little teary eyed I get control of my emotions and just do the eye itch thing and move on. Not sure where this came from but it seems to be pretty deep, because I can't really remember the last time I really cried hard. So if you see my in a corner crying just let me be, so I can finish this good cry. Not sure which reason will set me off, but I hope its soon.

Week one done

So this stinks. I have this absolutely amazing job. But I hate it. I have been through so many goodbyes the last few months that I'm just sick of them. Within one week this group of high school kids, I got closer to them then I would have ever imagined. Just to see them go. We laughed, we worked, struggled, talked about life, and just about everything else. Mission trips really bring peope closer together in that relationship I abosolustely love. But I didn't think about the ending. I was worried about crying when the team left this morning, and talked with my team about it, and the girls said it will show them I care. I said that the guys will probably just see it as, this weird guy is crying. So I held back and did a few "eye itch" wipes to cover. But it was amazing to see God use this group in the community here in Atlanta.
So here is an update of whats going on. In the morning I am scrapping door frames and repainting them, we got 7 done last week. Then in the afternoon I am doing a kids club. The kids club is really different than the Sparks program I've done before. My group and I walk to the kids houses and let them know we are having it, then walk with them to the park. Then we spend some time in recreation, then play a specific game, have a lesson, then craft, then have a snack, then just play till it's time to go. Then we walk the kids back home. But this gives us time to talk with the kids, and build relationships with them that are positive, and even though the teens leave at the end of the week, it is showing these kids who desperately need it that someone cares about them.
I am literally walking with a group of white teenagers around inner city Atlanta going up to house and knocking hoping kids are home. I have embrassed the role, and am growing in it. I had to learn to trust God with everything, even my safety. I read in my devo about a story where the guy made me think, how it's up to God whether I wake up in the morning or not, so why am iI trying to conrol if I make it to bed at night. No this isn't my only guiding thought, but I just feel I can trust God a little more than I had.
Well I feel I've chatted enough. Things are going great though. My team and I are working things out. I feel that we will really grow close to each other, and I continue in my excitement about the aawesome things God has begun, and will continue to do with us. Feel free to text me, and I'll try and call when I get a change and chat. That's probably the best way to comunicate.

Hot-lanta!!!

So my trip is shaping up. I’ve met most of the adults I will be working with, including Tim. Tim is my main contact for my main project this summer. Tim and his wife moved in to a house that was across the street from a park. Tim unintentionally started a sort of ministry with the kids, trying to give them different job, mainly picking up trash or lawn care, in exchange for bicycles. The park use to be controlled by gangs, for larger fights and such, but through Tim’s work and other community help the park is more respectable now, and the community is a lot cleaner. We went on a bike ride today through the area, and it was easy to see where Tim had been working. There are prostitute and drug problems all over the area. Tim mentioned to me that I need to be careful, because some of the gangs do still come around and cause trouble. He casually mentioned they like to just find people and jump them for fun at times. We do have an emergency plan if something happens, but it involves a whistle and parking cars with a quick get-away access... The main thing I will be doing is, in the afternoon I will take some of the high school kids, over to the park by Tim’s house. We will be leading a kids club, where neighborhood kids come and we give them a lesson and some activities. It will only be about 2 to 3 hours, but will hopefully allow me to connect with the kids.

We are staying at a house across from the Salvation Army center. It is a decent house, but has some mold in the cupboards and some small things like that. I woke up early Wednesday and cleaned a lot. I realized we needed bowls for our cereal, but they were by the mold, so we (I think I hear a prostitute being picked up outside) needed them cleaned, but the sink needed to be washed, because it was kind of yucky. So I spent about an hour washing things, and it was ready by the time the others were ready for breakfast. Shaun and I spent the afternoon rearranging our room. We had a lot of old computers in them. Our “dressers” are actually office desks. We also got a vacuum, and finished the much needed cleaning. The only thing left is to find some covers for the very itchy couch and seats in the living room. No tv though, but I’m ok with that.

Our first group comes on Sunday. It’s a group of 60 high school kids from Texas. It will be interesting, both because it’s such a large group, but also we found out that they recently had a loss in their youth group. We don’t know a whole lot but someone connected with the group passed away in a hiking accident sometime last week. It will be interesting to see how they handle being here.

My team is great. We have been laughing, and trying to understand each other. I have been explaining that I talk to myself and ramble, especially when I’m tired, that I usually change the subject in my head without telling anyone, I also change the subject when I feel awkward, and the last one I have mentioned is that they shouldn’t laugh at my really corny jokes, because that will only make me think they actually laugh at them. My title is outreach coordinator and Shaun’s is the construction coordinator. And today he asked me if I could reach behind the desk and plug something in. I told him that he couldn’t because he is only the construction guy, and I can because I am the outreach guy. He and the girls laughed…

This will be a long summer and although I have had to put some important things aside. I really feel that with much much help God will use me to help this neighborhood and love people the way he would have me. But only with His help will I be able to…

Some things before I go

So, this will probably be my last post in Indiana, for a couple months anyway. But a big change is happening. I'm spending 2 months in Atlanta. Not sure what all I'll be doing, but high school youth groups will be coming weekly. Sizing between 20 and 70, I'll be organizing them and helping them help the community, either service projects, or helping with a VBS type thing.
But this bring me to my thoughts for this blog. A lot of my friends are going through pretty big life changing things. I've seen a lot of hard goodbye's mixed with a lot of happy news about marriages, grad schools, internships, even just going home for the summer. But these things bring about change. Change can seem bad at first. My life is good where I was at last week. Why would I want it to change. But I get to serve God for 2 months. This is a good change right? The answer is yes. But there are collateral damages that lean towards change is bad. I said a very long and funny goodbye last night. I laughed alot, but also was pretty sad. This was a sad part of change. But both of us will probably go on to good things, and the changes will be good. But for now its hard.
So I apologize for this, because it doesn't seem to flow and make sense. But yeah, change is good, but collateral damage is not. But if we are ever to make things better we need change. Being stagnate is not a good thing. Romans 12 says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So even our minds need to continually change. If we don't we as a friend pointed out, we stop leading. And as Christians we should be leaders.
So hope you've enjoyed, and feel free to tune in and read about my adventure in Atlanta. Maybe they'll be a little more reasonable.

Oh, how I love your law!

While reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity I came upon a familiar thought. That Christianity is the simplest most complex thing I have ever tried to understand. Even trying to understand it is confusing, because I know that I will never fully understand it, and this is not suppose to deter me from giving up. Lewis says that real things are not simple. He uses a table as an example. The table to us is just wood and screws, but to a chemist who can break it down into it's molecular structure realizes how complex that table actually is.
Matthew 22:36 is when Jesus says the greatest commandments. They seem so simple at first. To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. But when you stop and really look at these, it is easy to see that all of the Laws of the Prophets hang on these two laws.
In order to truly love God with our hearts, soul, and minds; then those aspects of our lives (and even our strength form Deuteronomy) need to be used to their fullest to love God. If that is our main goal, our chief end, then we will search the Bible for it's truth, then live as it commands. We will be able to see the law as David did when he wrote so many of the Psalms, like 119:97 says, "Oh, how I love your Law! I meditate on it all day long." And this is just one example of the love of God's law we should have.
But the best and most confusing part is that God doesn't want us to live by the law, because it's the law. He wants us to live by it soly because we love Him. We don't have to worry about following every single law. But our focus should be on God, and seeking and loving Him. Then following the Law will come secondary. It is there to guide us into a deeper relationship with God, not force us into a deeper relationship with God.
However, the problem is when people stop seeking God. They stick with milk when there is solid food right in front of them. Ignorance is not bliss. Yet your conscious won't feel so bad when you don't understand your not following God's law, but at the same time your not following God's law. Lewis talks about a child who says a prayer. It is a simple prayer, but there is much more to it. If we remain like a child in this instance and never understand the meaning of the prayer then we are a waste. But if we develop our understanding, how much deeper the prayer then becomes, and then deeper our relationship with God becomes.
"Oh, how I love your law!"

Watch the world I use to love, fall to dust and blow away

So I just got done with my training for my missions trip. It was an amazing few days, with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. The college students blew me away. These kids have so much love for God, and just spending the few days I had was absolutely amazing. I've never gotten to know anyone so fast in my life. Everything seemed easier when I was surrounded by such amazing people. I read all the time, had deep meaningful discussions, and prayed a ton (and was even complimented on my singing). These kids also helped me see myself. I'm with them. I was part of the group that got to know each other. Threw boundaries out the window, and focused on building relationships worthy of being called Christians. The Bible tells us that they will know we are Christians by our love. And this group helped me see that.
I can't wait for this trip. I get to spend my entire summer being known for my love. I hope and pray that I will be one with Christ more and more, and by the end of my trip, I can say that I watched the world I use to love, fall to dust and blow away. Because I am new IN God. I hope to live so counter-culturally, and continually seek after Him, as Romans 12:1-2 says, and then know His good, pleasing and perfect will in my life. That He would let me see with His eyes my world, and that I will reflect His love in all that I do, and for those around me. I still have no idea what to do after (if) I graduate next year. So many things make getting in a youth ministry look good, even more seem to pull me towards grad school if possible to work in student development (sorry Steve for not ever visiting Talyor with you), and other things look good for serving as a missionary. I just can't see past the end of my nose, but I just hope I am following after God, and that he will work in me, and make me His.
I love being a servant leader, but I hate being assigned the servant role, but oh the amazingness of God giving us what we need to best serve Him, and not what we want to best make our lives feel better. I am in a largely servant role for my trip, and at first it hurt the pride, but I realized that this way I get to better work with the kids that will be there all summer, as well as be closer with the teens that come to help. This fits what God had called me for, more than getting to know the leaders and staff to be in control. Not sure about some of my humbling experiences lately (and there have been a ton), but this one I can see. Thanks God gor giving me an easy one.

Copy cat

So I realized I haven't written anything in a while, and my dad mentioned the other day he likes reading these (shout out to a reader, oh and Megan got some cookies for saying she read all of that long one). But I cheated on you blog, sorry, but I made a note on facebook. A ridiculous friend, ridiculous in all the attributes I look for in a friend, had a status that impacted my thinking a few days later, and then I just wrote it, but wanted to re-visit it now.
It has to do with doing what's expected. I am a Christian, and as such I feel at times expected to do things. My friend's status said something like this, "Having a hard time, I know God is with me so please no comments like that" (bad paraphrasing, it was about a month ago I think, sorry to person's status it was). But it just hit me (a week after I read it) that even at a Christian college we do things that are expected. We sing in chapel, we hug, we say hi to everyone, and most importantly it is our job to show sympathy to anyone having a bad day Go ahead, get some tears going and sit on the mall and see how many people just pass by. That sympathy comes in the form of, well God's love is everlasting, His peace passes our understanding... (To some, and to me this does sound kind of harsh, and I apologize, but if we can go beyond this for a minute) But why do we say these things. To make the person feel better, but they've almost certainly heard it all before. Or are we just Christians that do what's expected of us, or are we really showing the love of God to others.
The Lifehouse song "Trying" says, "Well I haven't memorized all the cute things to say, but I'm working on it. Maybe I'll master this art form someday. If I quote all the lines off the top of my head, would you believe that I fully understand all these things I've read". Is this what we are doing? Are we just memorizing cute things to say, and when to say them. Turning everyone, and their problems into cookie cutter one liners. Share a little person experience to show empathy, and then throw a Bible verse in to show God cares, and send them on their way. Today I gave up spending the day with a really good friend because I felt I should spend time with some people I play softball with in an attempt to build Godly relationships. But I skipped out on my friend. Was it because that is what is expected of me, should I always put building relationships to bring people closer to God in front of my own desires. This was the first time it was tested to this degree in me, cause my friend is leaving in August and not sure how many time I will see them again, and I want to build a long lasting friendship, but with skipping on a graduation party to play softball really doesn't scream long lasting friendship. But I told some my teammates, that I was a Sr. ministry major, and that I'm only a sub because I'm leaving for a mission trip soon. Just got to plant a little seed to open up for conversation in the weeks to come. Was this what I'm suppose to do as a Christian? Or what God wants me to do as a follower of His Son.
That was what I'm trying to get at. This is very round about way of answering that question. Because I want to be the good Christian who does what's expected, or I'm seeking God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Oh please God let it be the latter.

Quick one

So just thought I would try this as a journal. Today was weird, a crazy roller coaster of ups and downs. I didn't have much if any energy, but so many ridiculous people in my life helped me through the day. I am scared out of my mind about my trip. I looked and my 2nd week there are 60 people in the group. That's just crazy. But I had a great time today. Playing some good Frisbee gold, felt so good to play good for once. Then had a dinner "date" not go as planned but still ok. (just a friend and talk date). But then to a crazy pirate party, although I was Peter Pan:) But still a ton of fun, with some friends I am very jealous of their closeness, and glad when I get the chance to sneak in and be part of the group. But then some good friends got me to play some Signs and Signals for 3 hours. All after I put some funny posters up for student senate. I might get in trouble for a couple of them, but hope not. But yeah, then scared about summer. Didn't do so good on a civ test, and worried I might not make it to my actual senior year. If I can just get through this semester without an F I will be able to graduate with like 2 degrees, and maybe 2 minors. But not I'm exhausted. Took my sword out, and my dagger, eye patch off, and hat put away. Now time for Peter Pan to go to bed. No Wendy to read me a story. But sadly its his own fault for not wanting to grow up. Cause once he does, he gets married has kids and the the movie Hook comes out.

CCM...!!??!?!

So I like Christian music. It makes me happy, and think of God when otherwise I wouldn't be. But I have noticed lately that songs I have heard alot just go in one ear and out the other. I was on a baseball trip to Goshen when I figured this out. Sitting 2 seats behind our coach I was nearly crying while listening to some songs in the perfect order. "Broken" by Lifehouse, "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot, "Jealous Kind", and "Lesser Things" by Jars of Clay, "Soon I Will be Done With the Troubles of the World" by DC*B, and finally, "We Are Not as Strong as We Think We Are" by Rich Mullins. Here are some good stuff from some of them. I might get off subject too much and not make it through all, but if you ever feel like putting a good playlist together for some deep thinking, I'd suggest these.

"Broken" is a very underrated song. Lifehouse is known to me as that band who plays Christ/Girlfriend music. But if you look deep in this one at all you pick out a ton. "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain there is healing In your name I find meaning". This bring out alot, but most obviously the last two lines. Through pain, there is healing. Which from personal examples I can say that God uses pain to teach us things all the time. Not because he doesn't love us, but the opposite, he loves us enough to put us through something to make us stronger. And in your name I find meaning. The name of Christ is used so often in the Bible. But in takes on such a deep meaning. It means one with. As is we are in him, in his will, in his love, one with Christ. Thats why when is says if we ask for something in His name, then we shall receive it, not because they are magic words, but if we are truly understanding what we are saying, and truly in him, then it is already in his will to do for us what we are asking. But the real reason thing song is on top of my playlist, is at the 4 minute mark, the part of the song where the singer just kinda lets loose and re-sings parts of the chorus over and over again. Here he sings I'm holding on, I'm still holding, I'm barely holding on to you. This just gave me a moment to reflect on my ridiculous life. I have nothing figured out. My world is practically falling apart around me. School is getting worse by the week, i realize most of my friendships aren't what they should be, my job outlooks don't look financially stable, i feel my church is going to kick me out the next sunday I miss, and I'm just waiting to do something that will make a whole group of HU friends dislike me for something else, cause i've already lost 2 groups of friends. So it makes me stop and think. I'm barely hanging on, but to what, to God through all of this. He is still there in the midst of the chaos, and that my friends is what can bring tears of joy to my eyes.
Next is :learning to Breathe". "That I'm learning to breathe I'm learning to crawl I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall", is some awesome lyrics for this moment, completely realizing that you need to rely on God, and then thinking about how i need to re-learn how to do it. That him and him alone can brea my fall. I can't do anything that will make him mad at me, no matter how I screw up next, He will be right there to break my fall. "Hello, good morning, how ya been? Yesterday left my head kicked in I never thought I could fall like that Never knew that I could hurt this bad". Yesterday left my head kicked in, why yes, yes it did, and tomorrow doesn't look that promising either. And why no, I really didn't think I could hurt this bad. I mean life sucks from time to time, but man, all at once like this...not cool. But then coming full circle (and to show that I'm not horribly depressed), "that I say that I need You This is the way That I say I love You This is the way That I say I'm Yours". Even in the despair we can still give our best for God. which is awesome, cause that's all he asks, is for our best, for our whole-hearted devotion. Isn't he great!!!!
Next some sweet Jars of Clay. "Sought the company of fools instead of friends", i mean who am I hanging out with and why? for some fun, or for a purpose to bring Him glory and honor, usually the first sadly. "I;d rather feel the pain all too familiar, then be broken by a lover I don't understand". Who hasn't had a love go wrong, well sorry you won't understand this one, but for the rest of us we just keep doing the same thing over and over again, making small changes, but getting hurt in all the same ways. A lot of the songs points to things that we are putting in front of God, and he has his love of a jealous kind. "I chose the gallows to the aisle" why do we keep trying to put things in our hearts where God belongs. I have felt the best and closest to God when I have a girlfriend or some sort of girl that is pushing me to be a better person. And then when they leave me, I lose a lot of my relationship with God. So he's jealous, and I need to not put other things in that spot of my heart.
"Lesser Things" just reminds me that He is the God of the lesser things. That all the things in my life need to be uplifting to him. That every little thing is under God's reign. Every rock, bug, molecule, everything is put there by God. Not that I want to treat everything like it is God, I don't even treat my Bible that nicely, but just that if he is God of everything, then I need to treat Him like that. He is not just the God of Sunday mornings, or worship times, but of every moment of everyday.
"SIWBDWTTOTW" is exactly what the title says. just a good little remind that these troubles are only temporary, and we will be going home to live with God, and oh what a glorious day that will be.
the Rich Mullins is just some good stuff. I can truly say that I am not as strong as I think I am. I keep trying to tell myself hey you can stop this, or do good in this situation. But I fall flat. "I can't even keep these thoughts of you from passing by" Just easily think about God, and then move from thinking of Him back to our real world. "with these our Hells and our Heavens so few inches apart" I think points to how we are thinking creatures. Just inches from the good thoughts, are the bad ones. I also like the line "if you make me laugh i know i can make you like me, cause when i laugh i can be alot of fun". It just reminds me to try and smile, and enjoy life with people. Cause its through relationships that we can grow closest to God. Reciprocating self shout out to KJ :).
So that my rant, congrats if you made it this far, let me know and I'll buy you a candy bar or something. Maybe even make you cookies if you want. Hope it makes sense, and one warning however. Christian music is a good tool, but without scripture we are nothing. Focus on scripture, and then listen to music to bring out scripture. If you catch yourself reading scripture and saying, hey that in that song, read more scripture, less music. The people who wrote the song got it from scripture, and thats the way its designed to be.

Spring Break

So, not sure this is a real Blog Post per se, but I thought I'd do it anyway. I've been in Florida for 4 days now. Enjoyed it. I've gotten a lot of reading done. Gotten to see God work through some peoples lives, and even in my own. Within the last week I got called by GM, had a Skype interview for a misisons job, and got a good recomendation for a church camp. So I might be able to pick between the three. Not sure which is best, and where God is leading. I've also been humble by the baseball coach's situation. He has used it look at who Christ is. This made me think of the verse (sorry I don't have time to look it up) that says no man is reater than if he does this, that he would lay down his life for his friends. Paul is telling us to live sacraficially for those around us. But there is something hidden in it I found. If paul says to lay down your life for your friend. Then Christ counts me worthy of being His friend. I know this is cheesy, but it really brings me to the suprised by joy moments. I mean, I like my friends a lot, and there is very little I wouldn't do for someone. and the closer a person is to me, the farther I am willing to go for them. but Christ, not in the moment, not in a rash decision, but deliberately chose us as close enough friends to Him, that He would go that far and lay His life down, and anything else he could for us. I like it, I like it alot...

Sad Songs They Say So Much

A friend of mine as this theory. She says that breakup songs are the only songs that show true emotions. If it is a love song then your just feel good and so input your happy feelings in the music. We have discussed this, and many other topics of love, a few times. But we just agree to disagree.
But can we relate this to worship music? My new favorite song is "How He Loves". This is a worship song in a sense. But the original author John Mark McMillan has a verse not heard by most people. This verse is about Marks friend who died in a tragic car accident. "I thought about you The day Stephen died, And you met me between my breaking, I know that I still love you God, Despite the agony, See people they want to tell me your cruel, But if Stephen could sing, He'd say its not true, Cause your good". The rest of the song to me brings more emotions from this. If Mark is able to still praise God while God just took his best friend away, why am I struggling while I have tons of friends, and a god family; but struggle with not being done with college and have a girl. The part "I don't have time to maintain there regrets" comes to mind.
Music and I have had a love hate relationship. I have "performed", and I use the term loosely, 3 times. Once just recorded, once for a skit at HU, and once for a jr. high summer camp. None of the three got standing ovations. I've always loved music. When I was young it took me about 3 times to hear a song before I knew the lyrics. Then when I got to jr. high and discovered both christian music and cd's at the same time, i decided not to buy any secular music. This has mostly lasted, but with a few bumps in the road. Most recently it leveled back out with me erasing most of my mp3 players memory of secular songs. It's just easier to focus on God when my mind has more songs about God, then it does about other things. Philippians 4:8 "if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things". This urges us to think about good things more than bad things.

Loud Noises

The only line of the Mell Brooks movie "Silent Movie" is a well known mime yelling "No".
This is my introduction to a sort of recap of my weekend without media. It was an assignment for my youth culture class. But the part I liked the most was a Rob Bell Nooma video. (I watch them from time to time.) But the video was about silence, and since the weekend felt like I was engulfed in silence, I thought it was a fitting video to watch. Rob mentioned a documentary guy makes nature sound recordings. He said it now takes a very long time to get an hour straight of uninterrupted nature sounds, some other sound always pops up. This was how I look at my music intake. I always had music on. I couldn't fall asleep without it, I didn't wake up without it. I studied, exercised, drove, and goofed off with music. I had songs for when I was sad about girl relationships, songs about frustrations with God, songs about happiness in girl relationships, songs about praising God. But the quietness that came this weekend. It emptied my head of these songs. Instead of turning to music to keep me in the mood I was already in, I was able to do something else, and move on. So after a while my head was finally emptied of the music, and the noise from the amount of music I had been cramming in my ears.
The video talked about Elijah, and how he is on a mountain and a wind came, then an earthquake, and then a fire, but then the whisper of God. The whisper that can only be heard when the noise of the world is gone. We don't have Billy Joel singing "For the Longest Time", or even Dave Crowder singing about "an unforeseen kiss" playing in our heads. But we are listening for His words and for His guidance. Ironically Switchfoot has a song "Adding to the Noise", where the lyrics actually say, "If were adding to the noise, turn off this song". I worry I have been putting God in my media box. Having Him there just to affirm what I am thinking, and what mood I am in, just like the songs I listen to. I just realized how long this is, and most of it seems to be rambling.... So I will conclude by saying, boo to too much music, and yeah to listening for God's direction. Media fast is a good idea.

Happy Platypus Day

Shushy time. No, not quiet time, but shushy time. I've liked it. I think I'm a spoiled ministry student when it comes to it though. Next weekend I actually will have an assignment where I have to not use media for the entire weekend. Which means no Olympics, I hope curling isn't on. But yeah back to shushy time. As a student I have amazing prof's who get me to do things like make a mission statement for my fictitious youth group. It's also nice, that this is my 4th class to have this assignment. Here it is for you. "To grow in God, by living as a disciple of Christ, building relationships that reflect Him in all I do". Each time I do this assignment it changes just a little. And back to shushy time. This is those moments that God graces me with Joy. I've already explained Joy, so I like it a lot. But My shushy times are not always in my bed before or after my day starts. They are when He feels like teaching me. I have to/get to know Him better through these times, and learn to rely more fully on Him. I had an interview with a mission organization this week. Sarah, was who I had asking me questions. She gave me a compliment which took a bit to sink in. She told me that I seem to get a lot of things done. Well, yeah I like to finish things. But she was talking about new things, and making things different. I hadn't really thought of it that much, but it's true in a way. I do things differently, and in new ways, that aren't always better, but they are done, and my way.
It's around Valentine's Day, and my good friends are calling it Platypus Awareness Day instead (for their lack of grouping). But I didn't join the festivities, partly because when the planning was underway, I had other plans for the day, and didn't want to concede to the silliness after plans fell through. But While watching some of the sappy movies one comes to realize that movie relationships are kind of silly, and would most likely end in a restraining order in real life. If I were to walk up and kiss a girl I barely knew, and just said I'm sorry, you were just so beautiful, I had to. I'd get slapped. But girls tend to eat it up, and this leaves us hopeless romantic types to watch the Olympics, and eat pizza by ourselves on V-Day. But this is where I have run off course, much like the down hill skier who flew in the air and landed on a flag. So, much like that skier, I need to get myself checked out, make sure I look at my mission statement. Realize it is my missions statement, and focus on it. I can try and find that girl who wants me to walk up and kiss her, or at least would go get some coffee with me. But it only gets to happen while I am living out my mission statement. So for the rest of you, be careful, cause I'm not worried about things being awkward, or things getting messy, but I am worried about doing what I should be doing to bring glory to God. God loves me, and I love Him, and I love you too. (Mt 22)

What to do, what to do...

James of all books hit me this week. You don't really think of those books much that are just before Revelations, but there I was reading it, and deepening my love of God's word. Read it for yourself, but James 4 has a section in it about our future. It warns us not to say what we are going to do tomorrow, when we have no idea whats going to happen. I like what it says next, instead we should say, God willing we should do this or that. That means a lot to me. Not only now, but with my past. I have moved from college to college, major to major, just trying to find a way that seems right. All along I was making my own plans, of graduating college, and starting a career. Most of these careers, I have planned them on how I could best serve God. But they were always my plans. I can make plans right now, and am, but they are my plans. James is right, I need to say, "if it is the Lord's will we live, and do this or that".
I just postponed my internship till next spring. So that gives me this entire summer that I don't have plans for. I've talked with some different missions groups, but none of them seem to be working right. I probably should make some money to pay for school, and my internship next summer, but I feel like I haven't ever spent a summer just serving God. I am hoping to at least work in a summer camp, if I'm not given the opportunity to serve over seas as a missionary. These are merely my plans yet again, So I do add to them, if it is the Lord's will.
Then there is my future. I have been talking with some friends about my future. I don't know where I'll be or what I'm gonna be doing, but I hope that God will guide me, and daily I will be able to say in my prayer, Lord if it's your will let me do this or that.

And I'll become even more undignified than this

So, after getting up and going to church (like all good deacons do), I sat at lunch with some friends. I say sat, cause I was done eating when wave after wave of different people came in. I really enjoyed the time, and we had some fun conversation. But then came the really fun part. I went home. Yeah, I am a commuter believe it or not. But while I was at home a friend's status was a new David Crowder Band song that was in my head all week, and I finally replaced it with a new song from church. but as soon as I read it, the new song was gone and "He is jealous for me" came billowing through my head. I decided not to fight it but embrace it. And much like David, but with more clothe I spent the afternoon dancing to some awesome music. I even made a quick playlist of some good songs that are worth dancing to. I am not one for real dancing as most can probably imagine. I am as quick and smooth as anyone on a volleyball or baseball team, but dancing fails me. I don't know how it doesn't translate. I mean i can see a batter turn his hips a little and already I have 3 steps towards where the ball is going before he even swings, and then make a diving catch in the corner of the outfield. But moving my hips in rhythm fails me.
But this was not regular dancing. This was heart dancing. Probably if anyone were to walk in on me, they would wonder whether I have something in my chest that I keep hitting, or am trying to stretch out to put something on the ceiling. But in this wonderful time of crazy dancing I felt alive. I understand why David did it. It's just that God is so awesome and there is nothing we can do but praise Him with our whole bodies. Our mind can theologize about Him, our hands can serve Him, and our feet can (as Audio Adrenaline puts it) go where He sends me. But I feel something special when my complete body comes together. All the parts moving in a way that although seem weird and awkward to someone watching me, but to God it is a form of worship. And He, atleast I hope, likes it.
So there is my confession of dancing. It is something that doesn't happen often, but something I love to close my doors, and just go crazy, and praise God, with loud singing and awkward movements.

Life

So, I have been reading some of my friends blogs (sorry guys that I didn't read a ton of them while you were gone on prime, I did read a few from time to time though). But now that I am reading them, I am realizing that I haven't really talked about life. More of just a few theological things going on in my mind. Which it's my blog and I can do what I want, but those are kind of boring, not that this isn't, especially 3 nights in a row. So the big thing on my mind lately has been repetitiveness (and yes I spell checked that word). I just worry that this semester will be like the last one, and the one before that. I start off getting all my homework done, and those extra reading assignments done. I start relationships that I want to grow into more. But by the fourth week it always seems, that I already have my maximum absences for classes, I'm calculating what I need to turn in to at least pull off a C, and none of the relationships get past just casual friends that you can laugh with when they are around.

BUT, and I caps locked that for a reason...

But this semester could be different. I've already finished a book. A bunch of Prime friends are back on campus. And I have Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head almost every day. "Tonight's gonna be a good good night, I got a feeling".

So, this is the last time I want to think about semesters past, and oh there are a lot of past semesters... I'm gonna make my cookies, have my friends over, get my homework done, make it to class, maybe even get a youth ministry job. But Amanda you asked "what are you going to do about being 'that guy'". Well this is it. I'm gonna pray to God, look to Him to guide me, and give me the confidence to get up, do the things He has given me to love, and then go to bed.

On a lighter more joyous note

So I noticed my first post was title "Lol", but then was really serious. So, I thought I would write about something joyous.

Ever since I took a class on C.S. Lewis I have been enamored by "joy". The concept of joy is that it makes us happy. But there is a joy that come from God. This "joy" is felt when I am in a way in tune with God. I feel close to him, and there is this happiness that comes over me. But once I take my focus off of what is bringing me so close to God, be it a song, or a Bible verse, or even a train of thought, and try and focus on that 'joy' oh the joy that it is, the joy quickly fades as quickly as it came. If you can't tell I love that joy, and very thankful for God each time I feel it, but also deeply saddened by its disappearing. There is another part to this that I worry I will fall into, and that is if I am doing something I think is for God, and I don't feel this awesome joyous feeling then either I or the thing I am doing to try and be in tune with God is not something He finds worthy. But this shouldn't be the case. God does not have a reward system that we are to understand. Anyone who claims to fully understand God, is someone I will probably laugh at.
I had a joyous moment today. Last night I was looking at a good friends blog, cause she has been back in the U.S. for a few months now, and she is a really good friend. But the way she talked about being overseas, and the work she did, with and for people, really made me think that it is very much a worthwhile experience to try and have. Se was very clear and it was easy to see how her heart is very much still in Ireland, and God has used her experience to make her a new person, and obviously a more God-like person. I hate to say I am jealous of her, but thats what it is. So I looked up some possibilities on the internet, only to have an e-mail sent to me by our school looking for people to go on mission trips over the summer. I mean I haven't fully decided that I'm gonna go, but they are on campus in a few weeks, and I am going to have a good conversation with them. And this is all the more reason for me to get a passport.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
(How he loves us, DC*B)

LOL

So I am blogging. Thanks Amanda.
But this being my first one I should say I'm not that great of a guy, but what makes me great is God. He fills me with this desire to be better. Not necessarily a better person, but in a better deeper relationship with Him, who gave me this desire. I do struggle a lot (and I mean alot) with being a better person. I want the nice house, the job security, and to have my dept paid off. I tell myself that its so I would be free to do what God want for me. But in reality I would be simply putting God in this box. 'I can serve you and bring you glory, as long as it doesn't cost me too much, and I still have the respect of those around me.' Being a senior (but only a junior) at Huntington only makes this worse. I love the campus, and know a ton of amazing people on it. But I just know them. Very few do I know deep enough for them to do anything more than just think of me as that cool youth ministry major guy who seems to know everyone (and put his gum on the podium in Ek).
This is the conversation between Amanda and myself on facebook. It's obviously why I'm here.
Me: Bobby is daring to dream
Amanda: dare to go to bed
M: lol, i tried that. was thinking too much. then looked up some stuff, and now am dreaming of being "that guy"
A:..who the heck is "that guy"?
M:the guy that gets his homework done, reads (and finishes) good books, has time with God, has time for God, treats people he barely knows like old friends, has so deep of relationships that someone can see right through me...literally loves God with all his heart, mind, and sole, and loves his neighbor as himself..
A:That's beautiful, Bobby, I like that a lot. :) I wanna be that guy too. Let's do it!